No Regrets.

I usually avoid saying much about myself or my life as it stands, but I think I’ll change things up a bit this time.

The past couple of months have been interesting, I feel like I have gotten to know more people better this quarter than any other, and I have been involved in such a wide variety of new things. I have given speeches (there was this one last week…I “popped” a tennis ball, it was so cool), presentations, a sermon, a recital, worked with the [awesome] drama team, gone camping, gone on long drives, been go-kart racing, laser-tagging, been to the movies, gone out to eat with new friends, played way too many video-games with old friends, played basketball with a new group of friends, been more involved with church events…The list goes on. One thing is for sure, I have been busy (though I also have procrastinated a bit too much).

I still have so much more to do too. I have to plan out most of my summer and next year this week, eventually finish my musical composition (I have put so much time into this. It’s fun though), and study for the finals that are looming ahead. Not to mention the awesome tennis tournament that will be coming up soon.

I’ll admit my grades have suffered some. Calculus and Chemistry are not where I want them to be right now. I seem to have trouble concentrating in Chemistry lately too-and it’s the basis of my major. I’m tired of all these simple calculations, I want to apply the concepts already…Despite all this, I still feel as though I am gaining a wider range of important life experience with all these other random things that are coming up. In fact, I have high hopes for my art project, where I will be making use of the chemical properties of sodium acetate to make a sculpture. Should be fun :) .

Relationship-wise, my life is rather peculiar. Currently, it’s all just a bit confusing. It’s so easy to make assumptions about what is going on right now, but there’s no way of proving it, and often I’m just proved wrong. I have learned some things from the past though, I have grown some, and perhaps changed a little too. One thing is for sure, I’m tired of being patient. Perhaps it’s rather impetuous of me, but I have been patient for so long, and I feel as though this has only led me to lose out on some of my greatest opportunities. People I have really liked (or at least thought I did) have moved on, or found someone else, and perhaps they have found a much better match than I, perhaps we weren’t a good match; I suppose we’ll never know. 

One conclusion that has really struck me lately though is this: that true love means being able to let go. After all, what’s the point of love if it doesn’t give you the freedom to love on your own? Love has to be fully reciprocated and deep, not just the surface level stuff that can be lost among daily worries or other people. Perhaps I’m just too rare a personality (INTJ’s are 2-4% of US pop.), perhaps I’m just too picky, too afraid, too shy, too inexpressive, too sheltered, too closed off, too ignorant, there are so many possibilities, and I have so many failings.

Despite it all, I’m never giving up. I know too many amazing people to give up now. It’ll be one heck of a roller coaster ride, but it will be my roller coaster ride. After all, it’s these invaluable experiences-the failures and successes-that make me who I am. It is completely possible I’ll never find someone, but I think I’m okay with that. The journey is more important than the destination, at least in this case.

To Tumblr, Love Pixel Union