We lift up the people we are romantically interested in to unrealistic heights..

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Started and finished Mass Effect 3 in 2 days over this long weekend (20+ hours, lol). Woops. I guess I’m a little screwed now. But mann. It was just so good (except for the ending). In all truthfulness, I’ll probably have to decide one day to just stop playing video games. It’s such a part of me now though. We’ll see…Anyway, so much for studying for and acing all my tests this week. Vector Calculus test could have gone better today. That’s what I get for mixing up my priorities. I always do this near finals too. I become devoid of all motivation to study. I play games and procrastinate. If I’m doing well in a class I usually get lucky and know enough about everything such that I’m able to only study a few hours and do well. But I only have one class that I can probably do that for this quarter (physics)…*sigh*. Times like these I miss high school-where I could study for 2 or 3 hours a night and be done with all my homework for the next day. Responsibility is a pain. Perhaps I just need someone that I can share my aspirations with, someone that would make me want to give it my all. Life is so lonely sometimes. Perhaps that would only be a temporary solution. I wouldn’t know. Welp, time to study…

The end is near, but my responsibilities conspire to destroy me.

If you’re interested in one giant life status update along with the details and thoughts therein, read on…

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A banquet, finals, and a mission trip, all rolled into one month. But I’m getting ahead of myself. Let’s go back to the beginning…

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(Source: )

There are a few who might be complimented and a few others who might be insulted if they knew what the high and low points of my day were. Sometimes the daily tedium coupled with one or two negative events makes everything worse. Sometimes a short respite with friends and a laugh or two makes everything better.

But trouble not your heart. “High and low points” are entirely feeling based measurements, so they have no basis in reason.

It’s so easy to make generalizations about the unwashed masses. It’s so easy to notice things about faceless entities. It’s so painless to make it impersonal or in the third person. It’s so easy to do all these things and sound like some high-flung idealist. But (here’s another generalization) we’re all guilty of judging others this way, and the sooner that you and I can admit that, perhaps the sooner we can truly relate to our fellow man.

The longer I go on, the more I realize that none of us really know anything. We’re all just making our best guesses based on our best observations and calling it fact.

This has little to do with me personally, it’s just a musing that struck me a week or two ago that I have been wondering about. Read on if you want to see how far the rabbit hole goes..

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I usually avoid saying much about myself or my life as it stands, but I think I’ll change things up a bit this time.

The past couple of months have been interesting, I feel like I have gotten to know more people better this quarter than any other, and I have been involved in such a wide variety of new things. I have given speeches (there was this one last week…I “popped” a tennis ball, it was so cool), presentations, a sermon, a recital, worked with the [awesome] drama team, gone camping, gone on long drives, been go-kart racing, laser-tagging, been to the movies, gone out to eat with new friends, played way too many video-games with old friends, played basketball with a new group of friends, been more involved with church events…The list goes on. One thing is for sure, I have been busy (though I also have procrastinated a bit too much).

I still have so much more to do too. I have to plan out most of my summer and next year this week, eventually finish my musical composition (I have put so much time into this. It’s fun though), and study for the finals that are looming ahead. Not to mention the awesome tennis tournament that will be coming up soon.

I’ll admit my grades have suffered some. Calculus and Chemistry are not where I want them to be right now. I seem to have trouble concentrating in Chemistry lately too-and it’s the basis of my major. I’m tired of all these simple calculations, I want to apply the concepts already…Despite all this, I still feel as though I am gaining a wider range of important life experience with all these other random things that are coming up. In fact, I have high hopes for my art project, where I will be making use of the chemical properties of sodium acetate to make a sculpture. Should be fun :) .

Relationship-wise, my life is rather peculiar. Currently, it’s all just a bit confusing. It’s so easy to make assumptions about what is going on right now, but there’s no way of proving it, and often I’m just proved wrong. I have learned some things from the past though, I have grown some, and perhaps changed a little too. One thing is for sure, I’m tired of being patient. Perhaps it’s rather impetuous of me, but I have been patient for so long, and I feel as though this has only led me to lose out on some of my greatest opportunities. People I have really liked (or at least thought I did) have moved on, or found someone else, and perhaps they have found a much better match than I, perhaps we weren’t a good match; I suppose we’ll never know. 

One conclusion that has really struck me lately though is this: that true love means being able to let go. After all, what’s the point of love if it doesn’t give you the freedom to love on your own? Love has to be fully reciprocated and deep, not just the surface level stuff that can be lost among daily worries or other people. Perhaps I’m just too rare a personality (INTJ’s are 2-4% of US pop.), perhaps I’m just too picky, too afraid, too shy, too inexpressive, too sheltered, too closed off, too ignorant, there are so many possibilities, and I have so many failings.

Despite it all, I’m never giving up. I know too many amazing people to give up now. It’ll be one heck of a roller coaster ride, but it will be my roller coaster ride. After all, it’s these invaluable experiences-the failures and successes-that make me who I am. It is completely possible I’ll never find someone, but I think I’m okay with that. The journey is more important than the destination, at least in this case.

All the time…philosophizing, thinking about the unrelatable, thinking about thought, life as it in the present, and the future. It’s a strange place, this place I find myself. Perhaps unimaginable a decade ago, the circumstances that have brought me here and now, typing this vague message to no one in particular. Procrastination, study, laziness, hard work, hate, love, disbelief, faith, ignorance, knowledge, death, and life. The person I am is the sum of these and so much more; yet the two themes rising above all else in my mind are my studies, and love. In all these complexities is a simple pattern, a single thread, a driving force behind it all. Yet even here, in this small message to a world that could care less, I hesitate to impart any specifics that might leave me especially vulnerable. I will trudge on, I will continue to strive for my dreams and ideals, but I am ever so tired. One more wistful soul among millions.

For some reason I decided to open up this book* for the first time in a very long time. My highschool chemistry teacher gave it to me. As I started reading, these two parts struck me as being especially important.

“Let the youth who need an education set to work with a determination to obtain it. Do not wait for an opening; make one for yourselves. Take hold in any small way that presents itself. Practice economy. Do not spend your means for the gratification of appetite, or in pleasure seeking…”

“Fate has not woven its meshes about any human being so firmly that he need remain helpless and in uncertainty. Opposing circumstances should create a firm determination to overcome them. The breaking down of one barrier will give greater ability and courage to go forward. Press with determination in the right direction, and circumstances will be your helpers, not your hindrances…” (from Christ’s Object Lessons*, Ch. 25 - Talents)

During the main portion of my spring break I wasn’t very productive, and this book kind of woke me up from my slothfulness. I need to live up to my fullest potential, instead of just maintaining the status quo.

Of note was the thing I read about fate. So much of the media I have watched lately makes note of some kind of fate that determines ones destiny. Every time I hear about fate, I just want to say that…well, it’s kind of wrong. Maybe there really is some sort of fate that exists, maybe not. Either way, I’m not going to worry about it; it’s much more important that I actually take action in my life…I can be patient, but I’m not going to waste my time waiting for the planets to align.

(Source: whiteestate.org)

When I post something on tumblr, it seems ten times more important than if I just put that post on Facebook or a physical notepad. My idea is now online, for the entire world to see and wonder upon. I have said my say and established a certain permanence to my thoughts. I have an anchor point on which to tie my musings. It’s a little ironic when you think about how many other people probably feel the same thing, when to be perfectly honest, the number of people that see these ideas is rather insignificant on a global scale. Nonetheless, this self-important vent feels so valuable.

It struck me that college is probably one of the most important stages in my life. In my old age I’ll look back at all the decisions made and the people met, and just think about it, and tell stories-hopefully in a positive light. Knowing this, my life won’t become drastically different because of this perceived importance. I am still going to live my life as always-one day at a time-but the amount of diversity I face is truly staggering. Granted, I have only seen a glimmer of the world, there is so much more, but that glimmer is ever so complex. As I see more and more of the big picture-and start on my own life’s painting-I feel the need to make as many important moments as I can. I hope to make my painting into something beautiful. I think most of us do.